Our brains are wired for connection. When we meaningfully engage with others, our neural activity synchronizes in remarkable ways, creating shared experiences and mutual understanding. Yet within this biological dance of connection lies a fundamental tension: how do we remain distinct individuals while also forming deep bonds with others? This delicate balance between connection and separation defines the essence of psychological boundaries.
Psychological boundaries are the invisible lines that define where “I” end and “you” begin. These boundaries aren’t walls—they’re more like semi-permeable membranes that allow connection while preserving our sense of self. Without these boundaries, we risk losing ourselves in relationships, absorbing others’ feelings and thoughts as if they were our own.
Our sense of self begins with our body. Through three key systems, we develop awareness of ourselves as separate beings: interoception (sensing our internal states like hunger and heartbeat), exteroception (perceiving the outside world through our senses), and proprioception (feeling our body’s position and movement). Together, these systems give us a sense that this body is ours and that we control our actions.
One common way boundaries get crossed is through projection. This happens when someone unconsciously disowns uncomfortable feelings and assigns them to others. This can happen in two main ways. Egocentric bias occurs when a person assumes others share the same emotions and perspectives they do. For example, someone who is secretly afraid of commitment might accuse their partner of not wanting to settle down, or a person who feels inadequate might constantly perceive criticism from others where none exists. In these cases, they project their inner experience outward, assuming others think and feel exactly as they do.
In contrast, allocentric bias involves a failure to maintain the crucial “as if” quality when considering others’ mental states. Instead of recognizing “this is how the other person feels” while maintaining separation, the person experiences others’ emotions as directly infecting their own mind. For instance, when spending time with someone who is silently anxious, a person with poor self-other differentiation might suddenly feel inexplicably anxious themselves, unaware that they’ve absorbed the other’s emotional state. Or they might find themselves adopting the personal preferences of whoever they’re currently close to, without realizing they’re abandoning their own perspective.
When someone projects onto you, they might speak with surprising certainty about your thoughts and intentions. “You’re clearly too attached to me,” a person might say, when they’re actually the one struggling with dependency. Or “You’re being uncaring,” when they’re actually uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These aren’t simple misunderstandings—they’re boundary crossings where someone imposes their internal struggles onto your reality.
The antidote to projection lies in mentalization—the ability to reflect on and understand both your own mental states and those of others. Mentalization requires humility and an acknowledgment that we cannot fully know someone else’s inner world. At a neurological level, the right temporoparietal junction (rTPJ) helps distinguish between our perspective and that of others. When functioning well, it allows us to remain grounded in our own identity while engaging with others, keeping our psychological boundaries intact.
Our ability to maintain healthy boundaries often stems from childhood. Infants begin life without clear boundaries—they experience themselves as fused with their caregivers. Gradually, through responsive care and emotional mirroring, children learn to distinguish their experiences from others’. When parents accurately reflect a child’s emotions, they do so in a “marked” way—showing empathy while simultaneously signaling that the emotion belongs to the child, not the parent. For example, a parent might respond to a crying child with a concerned expression that acknowledges the distress while maintaining a slight difference to indicate “I see you’re sad” rather than “I am sad.” This marked mirroring helps the child recognize that their feelings are their own, while still feeling understood. Without this crucial marking, children struggle to distinguish their emotional experiences from those of their caregivers.
Some parents become overly enmeshed with their children, treating the child’s feelings as extensions of their own. Others dismiss their children’s emotions entirely. Both patterns make it difficult for children to develop a clear sense of where they end and others begin. Children who experience trauma may develop boundary issues that persist into adulthood. Some become hyper-attuned to others’ emotional states, constantly scanning for danger signs. Others shut down emotionally, finding it too threatening to acknowledge feelings at all.
People who have experienced trauma, particularly interpersonal trauma or boundary violations, often develop a heightened sense of feeling invaded by others’ presence or emotions. Even ordinary interactions can trigger a feeling of being psychologically intruded upon. Someone might physically recoil when another person stands too close, feel overwhelmed by eye contact, or experience panic when someone expresses strong emotions near them. This sensation of invasion isn’t just psychological—it manifests as genuine physiological distress, with the body responding as though under threat. The traumatized person’s nervous system has learned that closeness equals danger, making it difficult to distinguish between genuine threats and safe connections.
Self-awareness is essential for maintaining boundaries. When you understand your own feelings clearly, you can more easily recognize when someone is projecting onto you. This prevents others’ insecurities from reshaping your self-perception. Healthy boundaries aren’t just protective—they enable deeper connection. They allow us to genuinely see others as they are, rather than as extensions of ourselves or our unresolved issues.
Several practices can strengthen boundaries. Body awareness exercises improve your sense of physical boundaries and interoceptive awareness. Mentalizing-based approaches help you distinguish your thoughts and feelings from others and practice perspective-taking without losing your self-perspective. In relationships, practicing calibrated responsiveness—neither too merged nor too distant—helps develop the ability to experience interpersonal synchrony while maintaining your sense of self.
With healthy boundaries, we can engage deeply with others while maintaining our authentic selves. We can understand others’ perspectives without losing our own, and care for others without losing sight of our needs. By cultivating embodied self-awareness and mentalization, we foster relationships that honor both individuality and connection. This creates space for genuine connection—seeing others clearly, rather than through the lens of our own projections.
